false dreams and rose-tinted memories

It’s just so fucking sad that we never ended up being okay, 
that we got such a fucking ugly ending.
I ended up an ugly mess of a person, 
who hates his life more than ever 
and can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.
She ended up an ugly mess of a person,
with no end in sight to her addictions and vices.
I still check my messages every single day, 
in hopes that she messaged me.
I don’t fucking know what I’d want anymore.
Is it too late to have that ending?
I’d honestly try again if it wasn’t for everything
I do want to message her, ask her how she’s been, 
but I’m so scared of what would happen.
I know nothing good would come out of it.
Or would it?
Maybe we’d go back to how it was:
phoning each other at night, 
talking until 3 in the morning, 
planning trips to each other. 
But this time the trips would happen.
We’d see each other and 
enjoy each others company again and 
it’d be okay this time.
But I know that's a fucking lie, 
I know it’d never be like that.
It’d be pretty for a few days and then it’d turn ugly again.
And I can’t do that.
I can’t do that every fucking time.
It just isn’t right for me.