undeserving piece of shit

I am evil, I think?
I use people for my own happiness,
for my own content
I use them to fill a void, in whatever way I can

I'm not sure if I've ever loved
or if I've just conflated security in another's giving
with a true love for another.
I think I loved her, did I not?
She made me really happy,
I always wanted to kiss her
I always felt so whole around her
I always thought of her and I always smiled
I felt so excited to see her each time
I always loved seeing her and being with her
But maybe all this wasnt because it was her who(m?) I loved
Maybe I just loved being wanted?
Maybe all I loved was being given love
I'm not quite sure

I feel awful about what I did
How I treated her
I was so awful
I'm so fucking ewhebsbsbs anakakaaa
I'm awful.
I'm sorry.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I'm so incredibly sorry,     .
And I'm so much more sorry,
because I know I'm only apologising 
to give myself an excuse to feel okay about it
to think of myself of having put the effort
to improve and move past who I was,
when in reality
I'm the same undeserving piece of shit
that I always will be.

I don't deserve to hold your precious memories
I don't deserve to have ever made your heart flutter and beat
I don't deserve to have ever held you in my arms
I don't deserve to be loved.
I'm so fucking sorry.