death by implosion

I drowned out the void with human interaction. 
Each day I spent every waking moment around another, 
running from the inevitable collapse that would come
Now that I’m alone I face the collapse and it feels so awfully familiar
How have I survived 8 years of this?
How will I survive another 8? Or even more?
why do I have to feel like this
why can’t I just be happy
content
whole
why do I have to feel so empty
yet so full I’m about to explode
every fucking moment I feel like screaming
yet every time I do
I finish feeling the same desire
as if my screaming did nothing but fill my empty room with something
something other than the quiet solitude it exudes otherwise
you don’t understand how awful that is
to scream and scream and scream
yet still feel the same pressure built inside
I try to make it leave by any means
I’ve tried to cut it out
I’ve tired to punch my guts until I puke it out
I’ve tried to slice it out of my chest
I’ve tried to pull it out of my scalp
I’ve tried to light myself on fire, in hope it spreads
I’ve punched walls 
and drowned myself in hopes
in hopes that it would stop the horrid thoughts
I’ve tried everything
yet it remains
remains as full as fucking ever
you don’t understand how fucking awful that feels
to walk around since you were a child
with the same awful fucking tension within
I’ve begged for mercy and for salvation
I’ve cried out to others in whatever sorry way I can
but they never understand
and thank god for that
I would never wish this upon anyone
I hope to god I’m the only one
though, I hope to god they’ll understand
that the only way to empty the pressure, is to extinguish myself with it