We'll meet again :)

I wish I could make a collage of all the words I've read throughout my life that have struck me deep inside. I keep on coming back to this feeling of complete loneliness and solitude, I keep on coming back to this feeling that all I have and will ever have is misery; that no matter what I have or will not have, I will always be miserable beyond comprehension. I was reading a diary entry from my favourite artist and she said this: "It would be a waste of my time to keep writing something with no resolve"

I guess that struck a chord with me because it put into words what I struggle with artistically. I put it into words a little by titling one of the poems of this collection "this is getting old", because it really is. Like, I think everyone gets it: I hate myself, I hate my life, I got hurt by someone and I can't be happy. That's literally it, I summed up my mediocre poetry in less than a sentence.

What I'm trying to get at is that this constant spiral with the same themes of constant misery and loneliness feels so artistically bland at some point; I mean, one can only be hurt in so many ways. I want to grow as a person but I guess I can't, I've only really made small progress, but the misery and big problems stand impenetrable. I had to go to therapy when I was 9 and I have to go to therapy now when I'm 17; there isn't a big difference.

What I'm meaning to say is that I think this is probably the last collection I'll make for a while. If I remain alive for a couple more years I might grow and make something else, but, as it stands, this spiral is becoming creatively boring (at least to publish). I do want to continue showing my thoughts, just in a less creative way (I guess), so I will continue writing on my "main" page (I put quotations cuz I literally haven't touched it in 6 months)

It'll feel so incredibly lonely not having this outlet, I'll especially the beautiful words of support from people who took their time to understand my pain. Thank you so much for joining me on the journey <3

I also wanted to I guess reveal why I started publishing this work but I'm honestly not sure why I did. I guess I wanted to use it as a way to seek salvation, through someones kind words or through fame or through attention or idfk. Maybe that's it or maybe theres some deeper desire tied to it, like idk finding myself through the art I create. Uh, yeah that's it though bye