ruminating adoration

It's the school ball again
and I am alone
all over again.

People dance through conversations
flashing lights of desperation
to not forget or be forgotten
Or beter yet: to lose connection

I sit in the crowd, surrounded by none
My thoughts overwhelm 
with thoughts of when once the sun
shined bright against my thigh
as I held her rose-coloured hands
while trying to stop their slip
to the dark abyss

I miss them all, my former loves
They all brought no peace,
being only a lease 
to feelings of adoration and aprobation
of all the evil in my heart.

I despise the way my thoughts coerce
they blur into nothing but merciless 
judgement and shame
with lonelinesss my bane
I fucking hate my brain
and I'd wish to pay
to see it dead