a poem longer than the time we spent

It's been a year, huh, my love? 
I still remember the times 
I'd catch the world in your eyes 
See my reflection in your silver-tinted smile 

I always planned our next outing, 
wanting to impress 
and to once again have my reflection met 
Such joy I never felt, 
to have my ears dazed 
by the sweet laughter that we shared 
when I was with you I never quite dared 
to think of bad or any other myriad 
of ugly things my mind could create 

I viewed you as a saint, 
never dared to stop and think 
as I feared leaving our being stained
I always forgave,
god, I was almost chained by desperation 
my mind had made a false creation
in which you were an angel
with her wings torn
and her life gone wrong

Your joy was my motive 
Your sadness my grief 
I wanted you to feel
what I never ever felt.
For that I'm sorry my love, 
as joy I didn't quite provide 
I instead brought envy, hate 
and green-coloured eyes. 

Please forgive me, my love 
I never quite knew what went through your head 
And due in part, I left and came 
with no shame in my heart 
I deserve no forgiveness, 
in this horrid story 
as my evil is what I always buried.

Autumn has struck me like a brick;
it's been a while, don't you think?
A whole year since we've met
and in eachother could repent

The leaves fall on the muddy ground, 
their colour rusted like the blood you spilt 
I didn't know what to think when you came back around 
back then I wanted to help, 
but you always pushed 
and I never pulled enough

I hope you heal from your pain 
your trauma and find some sanity 
I'm so sorry I wasn't the Knight in shining armour 
That I was meant to be 

But we never quite find that person, do we? 
I've come to realise 
That the knight we search for 
In another does not live 
But in ourselves we have to find 
The solace of our mind 
Yet, I always search and search 
For the kiss that will steal away my pain 
And for that I feel nothing but shame

I'm sure you barely think 
of the evil man who you once knew 
who postured wisdom, love and affection 
yet knew only of sick addiction 

But I always think of you, 
Part of me misses you 
It does not realise of the horror 
we once lived through 
it romanticises and sees 
beauty in the most ugly of things 
I wish you all the best, my love 
And I hope I'm always in your heart 
As you always will in mine. 
With Love, 
<3